I was a nerd. Glasses, honors classes, and a pimply forehead.
And when I tell people that, they tell me that they cannot even imagine it. I haven't ever shown them photos so I must try to convince them somehow. I guess when they figure out that I'm super clumsy or that I speak passionately about my interests, theology, literature, and politics in an almost brainy way, I guess they figure it out. But because you are special to me and I am willing to be honest with you, I show y'all some photos.
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| 12 years old |
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| At 18 years old. |
Don't get me wrong, being a nerd was pretty cool because of WOW, manga, and the appearance of some depth and substance but there was chiyo girl trying to break free. Oddly similar to Miss Phan, I also loved art and longed to express my skills on my face but it was too expensive. All I could afford was a nerdy exterior.
Although I seemed like I didn't care, I did care a lot. I was trying to hide so many insecurities. I did have crushes but they never seemed to pay attention to me. Stupidly, I crushed on the alpha males and handsome jocks but you know... those guys were born to be with cheerleaders. Typical but those things are as true and obvious as water is wet. Handsome boys like pretty girls.
This is really awkward for me to be sharing such a glummy story to you :( But since I'm feeling thoughtful and emotional right now, this is therapeutic for me.
Anyway, talking about those insecurities, I didn't go to any of my high school proms because of them. Looking back now, I honestly don't feel regretful about not going. But if I could have afforded it, maybe I would have gone. ^^;; And if I didn't have a bad case of bacne, maybe I would have been willing to wear a lovely gown.
Some of those things were about to change when I entered college (yet again, like Miss Phan's but honest! I didn't know our timelines would be quite similar. Anyway, I'm not as big-time as her ^^).
When I got a scholarship and a job in college at age 19, I finally felt like I was becoming the person that I wanted to be... I recall praying to God when I was only 5 years old, "God, please make me pretty."
And as you know, this is how I look like now:
I am thankful to be able to not only look like this, but to become more of the person I really wanted to be. Being diligent about my looks did not necessarily make me a person of less substance. I actually think that I have become more confident about my opinions and convictions, not only because I feel better about myself, but because I believe I have become wiser and kinder over the years. I used to be a nerd- yes, quiet and sweet- but I had a lot to learn about genuine kindness. I was kind of mean and apathetic about making friendships and relationships before. I thought that being a rock would make me cry less and hurt less. Now that I am older, I have become better at connecting with people. I just thank God that He's brought me so far.
The flip side of this newfound confidence and beauty is this:
Whenever I meet a handsome guy, especially the one that end up admiring (even slightly), I become incredibly shy- imagining that they could see through the make-up and that they were actually seeing that clumsy, pimply 14 year old girl. He may take it for coyness but if he'd only known what I have been through. I don't know why I cannot shake off this feeling.
♥♥♥
I won't end this is in a sad note and leave y'all with the thought I am thinking about these things too much (I guess I am... but ain't it refreshing that I am awful honest?) Also, I get haunted by my writing and sometimes I feel "blech! Seriously, I wrote that?" Welcome to my junior high diary!
Anyway, there is no lesson to this story. But the pithiest thing that I want you to walk away with is that I am thankful that God is so willing to take imperfect, insecure people and transform and use them, like me. :) He never gives up on us.
